My parents have been divorced now for 3 years, after separating for 1 year which came after being married for more than 26 years. I began expecting a divorce almost 15 years ago and still don't know why it took them so long to get around to it. I believed then (and still do) that it was the right thing. It had to happen because things just could not continue the way they were. But as with most life changing events things didn't exactly fall out the way I thought they would.
I should start at the beginning. I will do my best to recount events as they happened.
Growing up my friends all thought we were rich. I lived in a large house with a room full of whatever I wanted at the time toys, cds, stereos, books. You name it I had it. My parents each had their own cars and my mum was mostly a stay at home mother, working part time. She is disabled and was not able to work full time. My dad owned his own business and worked almost 90 hours a week sometimes and was rarely around. He would have to travel for work and would be gone for nearly a month at at time. Because mum couldn't work very much the pressure of supporting her, my sister and myself fell to my dad. As I got older he didn't have to travel as much and would only have to be gone for a week here & there.
Most of my childhood seemed normal, at least that is what I remember. It is possible things we not as ideal as that or that I was just too young to really catch on to any issues my parents may have been having, but really the only thing that stands out is that dad was never around as much as I wanted him to be. Even that young this wasn't usual though, as I had friends who came from split or single parent families. I do remember that some friends of my cousin's didn't believe I really had a dad because they had never met him but over all growing up things were good.
In high school things really started to go down hill fast. Despite appearances we were really very strapped for money and my parents were in a seemly insurmountable amount of debt. This was partly due to my father's rash spending and rapidly developing drinking habit. Dad felt that he had worked hard enough in his life and that he deserved to be rewarded even if we didn't have the money to cover the costs of the things he was buying. He would go to auctions and come home with cars, boats, ATVs and snowmobiles always without talking to mum about it first and usually while we were out of town visiting family so that she couldn't try to talk him out of it.
I was 15 when my sister (age 11) & I stopped asking for Christmas & birthday presents because we knew my parents couldn't afford them because they were still trying to pay off the house & cover the bills while also paying for dad's latest purchase. My sister and I would talk over their financial issues and what we could do to help them cut back but never came up with anything very useful. Mum & dad were fighting all the time and he never listened to her. He started going out drinking with his friends more and more and staying out later and later, sometimes not coming home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I am not sure when it started but he was also spending every night sleeping on the pull out bed on the sofa downstairs. Mum always said it was because his snoring kept her awake at night. But I also know that they had no sex life, we lived in a old house with thin walls and you could hear everything.
In the mornings we would have to be extra quiet because dad was sleeping the living room (in the middle of the house) and if you woke him up he would get angry and start screaming because of his hang over. Despite his going out all the time my mum wasn't allowed to go anywhere unless it was for work or errands. Dad was verbally abusive and totally controlling of her, telling her all the time that she was stupid & worthless and stopped allowing her visits to her friends. She rarely stood up to him and soon the only thing about life at home that mattered was don't piss off dad.
He was never happy & always angry, nearly always drunk and resentful of us and the obligation we represented. He thought it was funny be insulting and to make you mad on purpose, but then once you got upset would get angry himself and tell you to quit being a baby and suck it up. Nothing was ever his fault, ever, there was always an excuse or someone else to blame. Despite the fact that everyone in the house was going out of their way to please him, he was never satisfied and would go on for hours about "poor me" and how hard he had things if he couldn't get what he wanted right away.
Our whole lives became an act, everything was structured around him and keeping him happy which was almost impossible, all while keeping up appearances. No one but my best friend knew about our troubles, not even my grandparents. All our energy went into keeping things smooth at home and then keeping them quiet if they didn't stay smooth.
When dad did lose this temper he always started in on my mother. He would deliberately say or do things he knew would hurt her, sometimes using things she had told him from her past against her just to make her cry. Once she started crying he would get mad and storm out of the house to go drink some more, sometimes not coming home until the next day. Then the for the next few days he would be super nice and give her presents and flowers so try and get back in her good graces.
He and I used to fight all the time because I would deliberately pick fights with him so he would lay off my mother and sister. If I could see he was in a bad mood I would provoke him so that they could sneak off to another part of the house and hide while we duked it out. Provoking him was always dangerous, he never hit any of us but he would lash out verbally and physically at anything else in the house. There were drawers in the kitchen that didn't work because he kicked the crap out of them one time when we were fighting, I've seen him rip the kitchen door off it's hinges several times and had him break several mirrors in front of me. He never hit us but the threat of it was always there. It was as if by breaking all these other things he was saying "Do what I want or it could be you next time".
While all this was going on I had become depressed and suicidal. I was cutting myself in secret and spent hours out of my day thinking up the best ways to die. Secrecy had become second nature, it was the unspoken rule that you put your best face forward and hid anything that really mattered. Because what I wanted or thought DIDN'T matter, only keeping the peace mattered. So to the outside world I was fine, I was normal and got good grades and participated in sport & art and hung out with my friends. I knew I couldn't trust adults watching my parents had shown me that, my mother couldn't protect me and my father didn't care, so who else could possibly give a shit that I thought the best thing that could happen to me would be to die?
I knew in my heart that I needed help but I was physically incapable of asking for it. The only person I trusted with anything important was my best friend and she knew that to say anything I would see as a betrayal and she too had a bad home situation so she didn't trust easily either. It all came to a head when I did finally attempt to kill myself by over-dosing. It was my last silent cry for help and thank God I didn't succeed. My parents were shocked, especially my mum who I am very close to, all my teachers were shocked, even my friends were shocked. Most people never knew I had a problem, those that did know didn't think I would go through with anything. I did get help and to this day think that therapy is one if the best things that ever happened to me.
My life since that day has been divided in my mind forever, it was the end for a lot of bad things and the start of some of the happiest times in my life so far. I honestly felt reborn and that I was given a second chance. Part of me did die that day but it was part that needed to be let go. Therapy helped to show me that what was going on between my parents and with my dad wasn't my fault and also gave me some tools for dealing with the situation. It also helped that this happened as I was preparing to leave for college and was finally able to escape from the house and all the selfish bitter anger that resided there. I literally fled to college that fall. The freedom I had there was heady and helped to break down some of the last control my dad had over me. I felt as though I was falling and instead of hitting the ground I had grown wings.
More to come later........
5 comments:
WOW...that's a lot to take in all at once. My own sister likes to say she comes from a disfunctional family and I always disagree....we were the Cleavers compared to your house. I'd like to ask you something....does growing up watching that kind of modeling for marriage make you a bit wary of getting married or having relationships at all? I ask because I think part of the reason my own marriage is happy is because I expected it to be....my parents loved each other and showed it. But my husband, who is the kindest man on the face of the planet and the real reason our marriage is a good one (I'm the hothead in the house) came from an alcoholic loveless home and yet he doesn't have the 'issues' that his sister seems to be burdened with. I'm trying to understand how these two came from the same home and how our ability to trust others is shaped.
When I knew that things between my husband and I were serious I did spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be when we eventually married. I was (and am still a bit) scared of the idea that things could fall apart on us so much and we end up divorced. Or worse that I would end up crazy like my dad (more on that later) and screw things up all on my own.
One thing that truly calmed this fear was my husband, who is a saint among men, for not only putting up with me but loving me too. He has shown me time and time again that he is here for me no matter what and no matter what my family does. It is interesting to note though that HIS parents are still together and he grew up in what I consider a "normal" family.
But now that we have been married for some time the fear that something one of us would do could ruin our marriage has lessened.
Right now my biggest fear is having children because while I am glad my parents had me and my sister I honestly think that having kids was a major factor in ruining their relationship with each other. And I would rather not have kids at al then risk my relationship with my husband. Problem is once you find that out it's too late.
I can relate. I think a lot of these things come up as your life changes. I don't think you can process every single thing in your life at one time.
I used to think the same thing about kids. A very wise friend said that kids don't cause problems, although they magnify the ones that you do have. My mom used to say that we were the only reason my parents fought. Turns out later, dad is gay, mom is nuts, so maybe they had some other issues.
I'm glad you didn't succeed in killing yourself. I wish that I had started therapy that young. So much time wasted.
Huh, I had never really thought of it that way, although it does make sense that kids would just kind of point out your issues with each other a bit more. And lord knows my parents had enough issues in their relationship with out getting anyone else involved.
Both me & my sister ended up going through therapy although she went at a much later age than I did. One thing watching her taught me was that therapy doesn't do you any good until you are ready for it. So, I wouldn't regret starting later too much, it might not have done you any good earlier if you weren't willing to address things then.
Thank you. That really does help. I hadn't thought about it that way.
Post a Comment